Talking myself up

I’m so happy tomorrow is Monday.  You think I’m joking, right?  Wrong.

I’ve had all week off from work and while I had plans to embrace my time away from work-related chaos by actually being able to stay awake for the entire “Chelsea Handler” show, sleeping in, and looking intellectual whilst reading at a local coffee-house, things didn’t exactly pan out so smoothly.

Instead of enjoying the many books I borrowed from my 3 mile trek to various libraries across the city, I oftentimes found myself perched on my couch crying over a man who does not want to be with me.  Because I refused to allow this feeling of loss and sadness to consume my work-free week, I attempted to use it as an opportunity to engage in physical activity.  I pumped some iron and went for a run…and afterwards, while stretching on my yoga mat that could stand to be washed, I started crying.  Fuuuuckkkkk.  Even keeping busy isn’t enough to mask my feelings.  But why?

After these sob-sessions, I would eventually give myself a pep-talk.  I would tell myself the following: crying doesn’t solve anything; there’s someone better for you out there; you deserve better; you are amazing; he didn’t even like the taste of beer.

Despite all the emotional and physical pain I’ve faced in my life, I know in my mind that I will get through it once more.  But it’s hard when you feel like a part of you died along with the relationship that once was.  Perhaps that’s why I talk myself up, if only to myself.  Because there is a void that I so desperately need filled and right now, only my thoughts occupy it. 

Perhaps this time, the heartbreak is harder because I’m getting older.  And it’s scary.  What if I do end up alone?  What if I am unable to find another man who I can see, not only as my best friend, but as a life partner?

So many “what ifs.” 

Hopefully, a day will come when others will be talking me up, instead of me doing the talking.  It would be nice if that day was soon.

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~ by citygal on April 4, 2010.

5 Responses to “Talking myself up”

  1. are you for realzies crying? for why? i mean…there is this girl who is married now to the type of guy you were dating; i just don’t get it. (your) dating men out of you’re league in the wrong direction. SERIOUSLY!. the average age for marriage is like, a billion these days. you’ll find the guy.
    mmm. yoga mat! you just gotta get out of the bad city! then you can find you’re perfect man! yeah! hahahah!

  2. I am obviously right there with you girlie. Here is a big virtual hug! I hope starting work again helps you to forget about the sadness, I know it always helps me.

    Like you said, it is tough to hang in there, but at least you have gotten away from a man that didn’t deserve you. At least you loved him and you know you are capable of love. I pray for the both of us that the right man will come along one day and sweep us off of our feet. Here’s to praying for forever love!

  3. Sometimes we just have to cry until we’re done. You sound like you’re channeling your energy into positive things (rather than, say, eating your house like someone who shall remain nameless…but whose name is at the bottom of this comment). Big hugs and any time you need a pep talk, let me know. It will get better.

  4. I found you through Meeks blog…

    And I agree with her. I had the worst breakup I have ever experienced a year ago and the more I tried to suppress the urge to cry over a man that I put everything I had into supporting him, being there for him, and knowing how he just chucked it all a way it only made me more upset.

    It gets better. I swear to God it does. I’m here a year later and the ex still finds ways to erk the ever living hell out of me. But it’s better. It’s embarrassing to admit but I easily cried for six months for the three and a half years I spent with someone who I know understand isn’t worth the toilet paper I wipe with.

    And definitely hit up Meeks for the pep talk. God knows the woman did wonders for me.

    • Thanks for all your comments! I know it’s okay to cry and be upset, yet at the same time, I know I need to move on. I also know it will get better – I’ve been there once before, but this time, it felt more real. I guess the thing I keep having to tell myself is that there is something better out there for me. Hard for me to believe now, but it has to be true!

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